Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom | Ep 233 | Bad Friends

Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom | Ep 233 | Bad Friends - 雙語字幕

Hey, bad friends.

I am on tour this fall coming to see you.

I'm all over the place.

We're adding shows.

We're dates I am so excited in between Bobby and I going to Australia, New Zealand.

I'm gonna be going everywhere man I'm going all over the place.

I'm going to Indiana.

I'm going to Ohio.

I'm going back home to Chicago I'm going to Oklahoma.

I'm going to Omaha, Nebraska I am going to Charlotte Atlanta.

You name it.

I'm Kansas City, Cleveland.

I am there.

Come see me in Boston and St.

Louis and Grand Rapids.

Come on and see your boy, go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets, Andrew Santino dot com.

You two are disgusting.

Whoo!

Well, you two are something.

We're bad friends.

Oh, wow!

Oh, really?

What you doing?

Oh, wow!

The night.

You're not the dark night.

Wow, wow, wow!

He walked in there like his Bruce Wayne.

This guy, ladies and gentlemen.

It's met right Sit down in the blue chair my little prince is this tap?

We to refill the bottles.

I that is true Guy sells out arenas, and we give him the wrong address He'll wait right there.

I'll pick you up.

It's sweltering

And I had the funniest Uber driver on the way over put on your cans if you want him if you don't want

him You don't have to I'll wear him.

I'll wear him.

Here's melted anyways.

No, no Beautiful fro fancy.

Do you care to talk about your mistake already?

Yeah, I I know there's just coming Dessa numbered off just a number off of our work address.

So, copy and paste is the thing that most people use pretty frequently or share the contact location.

Yeah.

We've been here for three years and you let our guest to straight five miles down the road.

Pretty bad.

They have Google Maps in every country.

Every country.

And by the way, five miles in Los Angeles.

a different state.

Oh yeah, but he said like 30 kilometers down the road or something.

He doesn't know.

He doesn't know what's going on.

Well, let's give it up for our beautiful, wonderful guest.

That right buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy You know,

I remember when you were a youngster No, dude, you were soft and young you know man.

I know very malleable at the Yeah, first of all.

Well, I'm still young I'm a younger though people are young, but they can also be younger at one point.

Yeah, I feel like you were never young I feel like you were always Bobby, I don't know if you ever had a youthful face.

Dude, I'm youthful now, dog.

I know.

No, really?

No.

You look like you sell gremlins now.

That's so good.

And I do.

Yeah.

And I do.

The bog lies.

How old were you on Matt TV?

42.

I was in my late 20s.

For real?

Yeah, why?

No, you started at 25, right?

Isn't that what it was?

23, is why?

Stand Matt TV, 25, right?

Oh, 30.

Yeah.

He so young on that show.

Yeah, He a little baby.

I didn't even have hair down there.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

I got my first hair at 39.

Good boy.

Yeah.

And how old are you now?

I'm 28.

You and I met.

I want to say, tell me if I'm wrong.

Ten years ago?

Is that how long I've known you?

Yeah.

I'd so.

I've been in LA for 11 years.

So 10 sounds.

I met you about nine to 10 years ago.

Bobby and I have known Matt for a long time.

We've watched your ascension and couldn't be prouder and happier for a good person that got me.

You're a good, great comic, good dude.

And when, you know, sometimes...

You know, when he was blowing up for the second there, I'd hear some girls got, well, he's just hot.

And I'd just be like, no, that he's got a skillset.

You can't get there without the skillset.

Because a of hot guys have come and gone in this business.

And honestly, I've always thought you were ugly, and you don't do shit.

Thank you.

Why do you do it like you?

It does nothing for me, me, me, me.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm not even nervous right now.

Who's like you who's your like male celebrity crush?

I'm more a sandy danto I like pudge a little pudge in there.

Yeah, a little pushin character.

Yeah, I like the black ones You know I mean that's reasonable like the E and Edwards you like to think realistic.

I was a polarizer opposite of sandy danto

i know i'd like to look at a variety

they can provide of men that i like you like attainable though that's really

that that's that's that's i that will wait wait wait wait i think that

you're getting somewhere i don't think you can get in I don't think you get it.

I think you get it.

Well, first of all, Ian's vegan and you're the one of the end.

I get in bag.

You can get it.

I get it.

I can get it.

I a Canadian.

Yeah.

I Ian McKay, not Ian McKay.

Oh, hold on.

Hold on.

Did you spell my name wrong?

What does it say?

Matt Rice.

Oh, yeah, I did it because I love everything is Asian for what so if I want to read it.

It just you do this Yeah, that's fancy Is his name fancy?

Yeah Not so more.

I'm so sorry not some more what no Matt Matt Rice is because of Bobby.

He has he dreams he dreams In Chinese and I've been Chinese and with you he dreams of

you Let's be real you do look a little Asian like a little you do have a bit of Asian which Uh,

so you know more jungle tie.

Yeah.

You look closer to South Asia.

Yeah.

And it's because your hair is your nut sex or like dumplings.

I thought you were saying I look pre up.

But yeah, you have even you have even balls or does one hang lower?

No, one's definitely lower.

Which one do you know?

I the left everybody knows.

I think I think the left left.

I'm pretty sure.

Are you left or right?

Which one hangs lower?

Left or right?

They're all this equal.

I'm Asian.

You're an eager guy.

Yeah.

It's what about you?

Science.

I'm a lefty, but lot of people are writing.

I don't know now.

I'm questioning.

I know dude.

You look down at it.

You tell my my left Not has always been longer than my right not fuck,

but my skin is thick my skin's thick and it's extra wrinkly It looks like it's wise No,

but no, I have you seen it ask him a question your sack ask us.

No, but it's so rich as your wrinkly Yeah, you might so wrinkly though.

Yeah, you know, you it looks like we're but an aliens On the planet had the eggs.

Yeah, you know that stuff on the outside.

I I have that it kind of looks like the Ken Bae Mutombo's head you're you're not sad.

Yeah, let me see let me see like his bald wrinkly head that's Bob is balls like Brussels sprout Yeah

Yeah, you kind of look the top of the can be Yeah, whoa when it's shaved.

Yeah, anyway, go back to the testicle thing.

I to I do want to see okay So unilaterally and bilaterally the left testes is usually lower than the right because if it's heavier weight

So we're in the we're in the we're in the majority my friend.

I like that.

But my mind is a sag.

Could I just show you?

Your nuts are tight.

Yeah, please.

Yeah.

Matt, close your eyes.

No, yeah, yeah.

Matt.

I'm Matt.

What?

I'm not kidding.

They're the exact same side.

No way.

No, they're perfect.

For Matt.

Well, someone's gonna get someone's got a famous on TikTok.

You do have very parallel nuts.

How Did it work at it or is it naturally like that?

Well, you know, I don't use it much.

Well, you you can like, if you know, for like a physical, you cough and they go up.

Are you able to like cough one up higher than the other?

No, no, no, No.

I think there's only one in there maybe.

Yeah.

It's it's just going to be just one in the middle.

Can you look into this?

Because I've heard this theory before that if the left one hangs lower, it's like, this must be more creative.

I've heard this, the left brain, right brain?

Yeah, except the opposite for your balls.

But still a brain.

That makes sense.

You know how your nose is stuffy on one side

and then you lean to the other side and then the boogers will go and then you can breathe all of that.

Yeah, that's what my nose will do.

You can that?

Yeah, yeah.

That's what my nose will do like that.

I've just stayed congested,

you know,

you've never laid in bed and like oh one side of stuff You should just lay on the other side and then just let the the boogers go on

I'm just learning lay down on the bed and grab your legs and tuck them over your head

You just reminded me dude when I was when I was going for basketball football in high school,

they make you go get a physical, you know, you had to physicals for school.

And I went to this like janky.

You know,

I don't know like a quick they needed me to go to like a quick dock someone I haven't been new before back before What do you call it?

Urgent care was a thing I went to like a a local yokel

And I just needed it because practice was the next day so I go into this guy.

I'm not kidding.

I'll go with my dad I'll never forget he's like would you like to come in the room in my dad was like no what the fuck no

Why would I go in the room with he's like oh just for safety and security and he was like no It's fine.

I don't want to see my son's penis.

What do I get in the room?

He's go ahead.

I dropped down He's feeling around doing a saying blah blah blah pull it I go back out.

We're checking out.

He's filling out the forms.

My hand to God.

He goes your son's growing up No, your son's growing up.

He had never seen me before he didn't know I Could have peaked.

You know what I I could have already peaked.

He didn't know I was still growing Whoa, but he said your son's growing up.

I don't like how much he really tried to sell your dad on the safety aspect I feel like the third pitch on him like should I be in there?

Yeah?

Yeah, what are you gonna do to my son?

Yeah, yeah, your son's growing up.

That's what that guy said.

He this part.

We sued him Your dad's never seen your penis.

Of course my father seen my people.

What are you talking about?

But he doesn't want to stand there and a doctor examine it.

Okay.

Yeah, how's your father seen your penis?

My dad's dead.

So probably Probably his ghost That's the worst.

No, not now.

As a youngster.

As a youngster, you saw it, right?

I don't know he and my mom weren't even together.

Oh, how old did your dad die when you how old were you when he died?

One and a half.

Oh my god.

Well, his dad just died For real.

I really I really how recently four years ago.

That's not Yeah, it's a time.

Yeah, how old was he he was like eight hundred and six but so you never knew your dad No, no, he was like he was 21 when he died.

Oh, how did he die?

Oh, oh wait, let's guess.

Oh Yeah, let me let me guess always love a lot's guess.

Oh, I know he was 26 21 Okay, I got it.

Yeah, what's yours 21st birthday your dad goes out right?

He's partying.

Yeah.

He's having a good time Somebody goes what was his name Mike Mike Mike Like, let's get on a motorcycle, let's do wheelies.

Yeah, yeah.

Did we do wheelies?

Yeah.

Really accident.

Uh-huh.

He's alive.

Okay.

He's totally fine.

Yeah.

He goes back to the bar,

drinks some more parties,

picks a strange man to hang out with to go do,

go rootin' tutin', goes back to the man's apartment, boom, Jeffrey Whoa, I'm not gonna confirm or deny until Bobby pitches this.

Okay, go ahead.

Oh my I know it's fully What is almost as if I was there?

Okay, what happened?

Fourth of July your dad was naked a bunch of his buddies in the south Arkansas In a backyard from Arkansas.

He's from Ohio before he happened to be there.

I get business.

Yeah, he was traveling your parents Didn't know your mom didn't know it was what was he selling on the business?

He's a salesman, right?

Firecrackers who's selling firecrackers?

Yeah, yeah, and he's going to the south to sell this you know me it's actually a trucking company

Right and it's the guy the head of the trucker company's house.

He was like aim at your dad was like a man I have the best firecrackers, so they have a thing they get drunk.

They're all naked, right?

It's like eight at night.

That's how you sell fire crackers.

Right, right?

You there's no gay things going on What would no one even said I know but I just they were they were no my dad.

Yeah, they were like you're the poking Yeah, I and then your dad fuck why you did this?

He threw a little fire cracker in the air a spiro came down Bit the fucking firecracker right instead of going doing loopy loops.

Uh-huh like you know what I mean like a sparkler in the sky Right,

right then your dad was naked you he bent over to get on the firecracker The spirit goes right into his butthole with the firecracker.

Well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right?

There's an explosion, but he doesn't die.

Wow, but he hurts so bad so bad And here's the thing the all-star clapping For the trucking company.

It's how you agree.

You fuck it some reason yeah why I don't know why okay that doesn't mean he's gay now yeah

yeah yeah and they spin on him too wow I don't know why it's a sound right but the

sparrows still alive my mom listens to sparrow my mom listens to every

podcast I do yeah this can't be the one the sparrows still alive, dude.

It's unbelievable.

It's like a zombie sparrow, right?

The wings are gone.

Spine face, right?

And out of the left, I have the sparrow comes out a little tape worm.

Oh, wow.

This tape room, right?

right, has fucking the first case of COVID.

Way before we landed.

A Chinese tape.

Yeah, in the eyeball of the sparrow.

Wow.

What are the odds?

Your ass your your dad's ass exploded.

He's still alive.

He's still on your dad You're right, but he's like call the cops strong guy.

He was strong.

Yeah, he was he was his hands were in the dirt the earth Scratchy, don't call the god, please or the police.

I mean ambulance.

Yeah, I don't know what he's saying He said cops for us.

Uh-huh doesn't even know what he's saying cuz he's still fucking Honestly, right now dude.

This fucking little freak Maggot.

No.

Yeah, not a maggot.

Try again.

This Worm it's a little worm tape worm tape worm.

Yeah, you know in the South they call it both.

Oh that you do you're right It goes inside the opening of his ass and he gets infected died two weeks later.

Anyway, wow Well, what really happened?

It was a fucking Chinese tape worm How did you know that I just fucking know you read about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you yes, and it a sparrow it is A good old-fashioned Dreamers No, he was stuck.

Yeah, he was a happy suicide got a new gun.

Yeah See you son My god No, yes, if he was drunk, right?

He wasn't and he was thinking right that maybe you're mean That's what I was at so he had you at 20 years old.

Yes, and unfortunately took his own life, a year later.

I'm sorry man.

I want to believe that didn't have anything to do with it.

It did.

It almost certainly did.

Had he known you'd be selling out arenas?

He would have waited.

Probably would have waited.

Yeah.

Would have stuck around.

I would think so.

Yeah.

There's also, there's also a theory, my own theory, right?

He, he's not even on the birth certificate because he didn't, he didn't think I was.

Because my mom, he and my mom, like, weren't officially But you think your mom was hooking up with other guys?

Yeah, definitely thought she was.

She swears.

I I'm really late.

Right.

I don't think I look anything like my dad at all.

And my mom always tells me I look like this guy.

She dated in high school, like before she met my dad.

Well, what did you get?

DNA I've thought about it.

You've got to get it.

Dude, you've got to get a DNA test at the 23 and now it's like,

but I don't want to like,

now that I'm where I'm at in my life now,

I don't want to like go and tell this guy, hey, by the way, you got a golden ticket.

No, you don't give money.

He doesn't get shit.

Well.

Yeah.

He earns it.

It's like what could what could I use him for at this point?

Tour manager.

Not a bad idea.

Sneaker cleaner.

Okay.

Can just let me just say something to you Matt?

Okay.

That was the grossest way I've ever since I've ever my life.

Jesus.

I don't.

So anyway.

Like you were drinking it from a hose.

Okay.

Come on.

Let's move on.

The fact that you guys have won any gold medals is insane to me.

Yeah.

We ping pong.

Yeah.

Anyway, congrats by the way.

Ping pong was huge.

A bow and arrow tail.

Marjorie.

Yeah.

We it.

Yeah.

You did okay.

Okay.

Anyway, can I ask how many gold medals is Korea have right now?

Oh my god.

Peace.

Korean.

Yeah, for now, 21 total metals nine goals.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Yeah, it's pretty amazing.

It's not America.

It's 33.

Okay.

Yeah, what'd you say?

Britain Britain is 33.

Yeah, yeah, US 61 medals.

Come on.

See about us.

Yeah.

You know, who's in first?

Yeah, but we're also the Do Korea yeah, what does that have to do with it?

It's a small country, dude.

So what go back up to the top?

Yeah Francis and fucking that big No, France is not big or you want.

Yeah, okay.

Is it bigger than Korea though?

Everything is everything's bigger.

Okay.

No anyone that's I wouldn't forget anymore.

I was gonna ask Matt man.

You're talking about his dad.

How did your dad die?

Oh, no, I choked on a piece of kimchi

It was awful and watch dude He was there he went to the Heimlich or anything I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I thought he was saying I'm joking because we were just fucking around the whole time we're eating okay what i'm saying uh...

let go for this is a little bit of a natural causes that's a natural but uh...

let me get to this point

so what if you were so i've talked about it i know you guys are bored that i talk

about all the time but long lost family Yeah, I Yeah, because it does an episode of every scene ever heard of it.

It's on TLC.

It's of the greatest shows ever made It's pretty incredible.

It's an It's it's about either someone that was adopted or somebody that Gave up a kid, you know for adoption.

They try to find And it's super sweet.

Yeah, okay.

So was this one girl on it I think it was the first season she she's from California.

Am I boring you?

No, dude.

I'm listening Okay, I don't like the way you do that.

Okay.

Well, you like that.

I was burping.

Okay I'm not gonna start over.

So anyway, so this is girl right and when she was like 19 years old some guy said What you're Italian.

I'm not Italian you look at your face you're Italian So she went to home she got this guy said that I'm

Italian I'm not Italian and they're her Mom goes, well, your dad's really not your real dad.

And told her that.

Oh, that would kill you, man.

It would kill you.

But keep lying.

Yeah.

You say no, you're fucking Italian.

I think the mom was holding in for so long.

And was winning for a window, and that was the window.

It was killing me.

So she and the girl freaks out like what the fuck is it?

Yeah, I mean she that's your dad She he loves you like, you yeah

Yeah, I it so then 20 years later this show comes about and she's like I'm gonna try to find this guy

And he knew she so she Had an animal sanctuary in California.

She raised llamas and you love santuaries any story with the santuari Sanctuary yeah we're working on it right and so so they find the guy right and

he's like a park ranger in Oregon and he has an animal sanctuary.

No way.

Center of blood.

Yeah, so what I'm saying is that they, and then when they met, they look exactly alike.

And they just, in the show, they're just bonded.

Like it was an instant.

So beautiful.

You're right.

And so it's like, she's not gonna go, he's not gonna go, hey, can I have some of your mamas?

Like, that's your paradigm.

Right.

No, they just wanna meet.

Yeah, but.

Yeah, I mean, so what I'm saying is that, cause he has a bigger sanctuary than he does.

Right, you know, he's not gonna go give me some of your fucking, you know, marsupials.

He might.

Yeah.

I don't you got a lot of platypus Right.

So I'm saying if you find your day biological dad,

you just want to meet him and you who knows there might be a connection He might ask for anything.

How do you know?

You're like you you you're assuming that that's like you don't know Well,

because if he does,

you know,

let me put my focus on Okay,

okay, so They didn't work you

Yeah, with your hair out front you look like that kid from up a

What would your hair coming to the front you look like a little fat kid from up.

Oh, yeah that kid.

That's exactly Cute yeah, I'm so cute.

You are so cute.

That's you.

Oh, yeah That's a hundred percent you when your hair goes up.

Oh wait wait.

Let me see if I can do that kid That's you that's you Dorable dude.

No adorable dude,

but I fuck like a machine Okay and I have to throw that out there so so I just know everyone I'm cute but

ladies I fuck like a machine anyway okay did you ever did you ever get a

did you ever get a backup dad do you ever get a backup dad yeah the stepdad yeah

of course it was you is he still around no he my mom got divorced like

probably six seven years ago something now is she gonna swing again your mom or do you

think this is it oh she's a new guy yeah okay I think would she get married for

the third time you think whoa The first time.

Okay, right.

Second time.

What we're basically trying to ask you is if she was single and I'm single, can I go out with it?

Cause your mom and him might be the same age.

Your mom is a mom.

Oh, no, my mom's 48 Fucking 52 Is my mom's 48.

Yeah, I'm 52.

I know God dude.

I could I'm your mom ages your mom first of all you could never Yeah, you know, she's an angel.

No, stop stop stop.

No, she wouldn't just stop stop stop stop stop stop Because what he just did, maybe you stop, honestly.

I'm sorry, I know he's a big star.

He said you can't even My show, dude.

Okay, dude, your show.

All You're the captain.

All right.

So can we listen?

I am the captain now.

You are the captain.

All right.

So I'm asking you, Mr.

Rife, is I ain't good enough for your mom, dawg.

What is that?

I don't know.

I Why did you say that?

Why didn't you say say say What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey man, I ain't good enough for your long dog.

No.

He's from Ohio Smokey, American spirit.

Okay.

She smokes marble light.

But if I called you and it's a yo dude, Matt's your stepdad, Bob.

That would feel weird.

Yeah.

But why?

I'm a good dude.

No, you're not.

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Okay, what do you think you could offer me as a father figure?

This is good.

This is like shark tank Okay, I what I can offer you is spiritual guidance Spiritual guide again.

Yes spiritual guidance.

I stutter dog.

I did.

Yeah, so you couldn't be my dad possible What could you teach me about spiritual guidance like you teach me?

I know what the problem is right now, dude Maybe I'm lost.

Maybe I'm lost about maybe I'm trying to navigate who I'm gonna be for the rest of my life Okay,

what I would sit what would I would sit down with you is right now Seriously exercise and as it just put your hands on wherever you're the surface of that of this pool float

Yeah, yeah, and just really feel the texture the temperature of it right feels plastic you feel your feet.

You're grounded, right?

Yeah right now, right?

Whatever smelling, even the office smell, right?

Edamame exactly a edamame right the air condition you can hear that little little pearl right Yeah,

it's a window right and all those senses right now really just kind of fucking cling on to those fucking senses Right now.

That's the only thing that exists now the present the present moment You're working

Good is it that's pretty what I'm saying is is that mad you see one side of me,

but there's many sides to namaste boppily namaste and I have other knowledge and wisdom that I could

give you but you're not just open you're not open to it right so for you to say

that I'm not good enough for your mother is quite frankly rude by the way a

spiritual an aggressive passive aggressive spiritual coach is so funny did Basil Resis kind of toxic mr.

Miyagi feel that even think i would i would i would i would i want his mom has let me in my own uh...

his mom is an angel as she is

but you know i mean it is rude for him to say that

it's not it's his mom it's not it's not that i think she could do better I do How about this?

Okay, no, here's what I'm afraid of as a third-party viewer of all this You're gonna come in there try to get into this family because you want some of his llamas

You don't have as many llamas as he does but I got llamas old llamas buddy your farm different countries your farm needs a new fence

Okay, this has acreage you okay, can I just say you're?

llamas though, right?

All you need is a certain amount of llamas to survive.

Yeah, you were worried about selling out stand up live.

Okay, so you're you know what I'm saying?

That's a comedy club.

Yeah, guys doing fucking arenas.

I think he's got a couple of more couple more llamas.

We did so now, but it's just different.

We Yeah.

Together.

Together, yeah.

Oh, really?

All right.

All What's You're a solo artist.

Fine.

Let's go on.

Was Bobby on Dave?

I can't wait to the E Street band leaves you, Matt.

Yeah.

Can we go back to?

So, Matt, what I'm saying is that the guy that your mom's dating now, not that I want to destroy the relationship.

But what I'm just hypothetically saying is is that you've met him before yeah,

you like them So let me I can already bet this now.

I might have more llamas than him.

You probably do.

Yes, okay Way more credits and look at my MD as you've been on TV your film

he was in jail so probably cops hey yeah yeah that's a good show that's a good

show that boys yeah yeah love that show also I I've never cheated anybody good

that's a truth that's good that's a good thing I always pay for meals good that's

a good thing okay two for two ballet and one And guess what,

pal, for your birthday, you get not something that has a price tag to it, but something ingenious.

And that you're gonna go, you know what, I'm gonna put this on my mantle.

It's an origami towel.

None of it.

You should see this guy make a swan on a bed.

Yeah, yeah.

It's No, I'll be very mindful about making you something that you're gonna go, oh, that was, you know, really thoughtful.

So that's it.

Wow.

I my pitch.

Oh, okay.

What do you think?

All right, I'm out.

You why you're saying that?

And move on.

It's because I'm Korean.

Yeah, no, yeah, you're being racist.

That's true.

That's not, that's not true.

Let's move on.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you?

Well, my mom's single.

Are you single right now?

I am.

Oh, you are?

Good for you.

Well, my mom's single.

80?

Ageless.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ageless.

But her vag 23.

Really?

Reconstructive or?

It just oils and stuff.

It's essentials.

You know.

Just burns essence.

I love it.

She lives in a genie lamp.

You got to rub the lamp to get her out of there.

Do you think your mom would ever date again?

Beat the order age.

The shop's closed.

We'll see.

Yeah, there's no more Mago.

Old Rickety Gate down there.

Yeah, it's Rickety.

Yeah.

So the last time I talked to you, you were in a relationship.

Yeah.

And then.

We broke up together mutual.

Yeah, that's the best answer.

I've ever heard we broke up.

Yeah the right time can I Can I ask you what because you know, I have a checklist of what I like in a woman.

Okay.

So can I ask you some checklists by all means?

Okay So from scale to 1 to 10,

what's the number the lowest number you'll go like Statically we're talking like LA numbers are like genuinely real real world numbers real world numbers in Ohio 8

I think oh that's a great.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's my standard Ohio 8 Oh, oh, oh, oh, I Did she need a college education?

No.

Okay.

Do you have a college education?

No.

I even graduate.

Yeah.

He finish.

You have a GED.

I have what's equivalent to a GED.

Yes.

Can we order him a GED, please?

Yes.

And get him on Amazon Prime?

Yeah, you can.

Yeah.

We can get it the day if we order it before.

Yeah.

Okay.

She says to you, Matt.

Okay.

I hate all animals.

Ooh, tough.

That's really tough.

That's, hates them.

I mean, she's just like, if I'm around, touch him and stop, but like, I'll never, I wanna, dark cat.

I'm out.

Let's two candidates for him.

And be that girl, I'll be this girl.

And see who.

Okay.

We'll see you.

Well, let's start from the beginning because I wanna introduce myself.

Yeah, go Okay.

Hello, I'm sorry, go ahead.

Yeah, just disregard this.

I'm a Hawaii.

Okay.

Just visualize it all how I went.

Okay.

My name is Shuki Shuki.

Yeah.

in my last name Shaka.

So I go by Shuki Shaka.

Okay.

Junior.

Anyway, um, so I I Never want to call it.

I don't have an accent.

I don't want to an accident.

I don't do up shoot You do I don't want one.

Okay, I don't think you like it.

All right.

I like it No, no, I just want to do this.

I'm just I'm shukishukishama.

Okay.

All right, okay, shukish.

Yeah, all right Anyway, um, yeah, so I never went to college, but it's like I

Really don't have any dreams or aspirations and I hate animals like if I see a llama or if I see like a mongoose or something

I'll go look there it is and I might like touch it, but it's like I have no connection.

I'm never connected And I just think that the animals are out there for eating.

You won me at the end.

Yeah.

Big fan of eating animals.

But I feel like animals kind of connect with your soul a little bit.

So, to have never connected with an animal is a bit of a bit of a red flag.

A little bit.

But I have a talent.

And what's that and I make sculptures out of pine cones What's the scale of these pine cones?

I use maple syrup because I'm Canadian as well The Canadian and I do this art with pine cones and needles pine needles.

All right.

Yeah, I a girl who sells shit One one I did was of one, I did a big sculpture of Brian Fairey.

Of what?

Brian Fairey, the lead singer of Roxy Music.

Something described it in something I knew less.

And also Toto.

The band Toto?

No, Toto, the dog.

From from this is of us.

Yeah, it's like a brine fairy and tell to us on his shoulder in the other other other one, right?

It's Jaime Jaime From Harry Potter.

What's her name?

Hermione?

Yeah, and it made Hermione out of all pine needles.

I'm back here.

Yeah, it doesn't look spiky What's your Harry Potter house?

My Harry Potter house?

Yeah, well, you know, it's like I don't do Dumbledore You think the house is Dumbledore?

Well, I fucked him when I was there.

I thought double up, which is he's old, but no Hufflepuff Okay, I'm half a puff okay, that's pretty odd Ravenclaw.

I work.

I kicked out of Ravenclaw You mean the Hufflepuff for sure.

Oh, well, who's this?

Yeah, who's this who's this fine piece of meat?

Whoa?

Oh, first of all, hey Yeah, yeah, met we've took the shock out remember and so go ahead.

I'm Martha I'm six eight.

I like I don't,

I have never wiped once,

poop or pee, I don't believe in matching shoes, I drive a Geo Metro, I live in Acton, Acton, Acton, Acton, Acton, Ohio, yes.

and I'll suck your bone dry.

So, wow.

It's literally all it took.

It's pretty It's all took.

This bone dry is good.

Yeah, man, nope, no pine Just to fucking be mean, she has a dream fuck face.

Ew.

I'm to support my own.

No, I know, but you crazy somebody that has a dream fucknard?

No.

All right,

no preferably the average reappears what I don't like when I'm going on a date and I go What do you want to do there?

No, I don't nothing.

Oh, yeah That's so it's such a turn off.

What do people like you know, it's interesting you get yum sure you're you're a very eligible bachelor, right?

What are you now doing?

because you're not on the apps.

What are you doing to meet people now?

I meet anybody.

So you just are, you just.

I don't date anyone.

If organic and you meet through a friend.

or through the grapevine.

I suppose, but dude, I'm- But you're out for now, you're not interested.

Yeah, I'm not interested in anyone.

No, good you.

I just, I can't.

Stay working.

Actually, but be careful on the work part.

Do you remember what I told you at Burt's premiere?

Do you remember when I pulled you aside when I told you?

Yeah, don't go to Bobby's house.

Don't go to Bobby's house.

Verbatim.

Would you say at Burt's premiere?

I to you, I'm proud of you, I'm happy for you.

And I said, just don't let them work you to death.

And they sure did.

And then within like a month, we- Yeah, Riverside or some shit and this motherfucker announced like a three-year tour.

I'm like they got his ass How are you feeling being touring so as much as you?

you are.

Well, I had to take two weeks off because I almost thought I was going to fucking die.

I went seven straight days without a single minute of sleep whatsoever and I was doing

this casino and it was a Sun Valley in Norco.

I don't know.

I know.

Maybe I have no Yeah, sure.

And I was on like four days of snow sleep and I'm sitting down, I got this fucking wireless hands-free mic now.

Yeah.

I'm one of those.

Yeah.

That's little stool.

Hands-free.

And I'm like holding, I'm sitting down the whole time holding on, holding on to the stool.

falling over.

I look out into the crowd.

My vision is going so in and out.

I'm like, if I just go through this, I have three days off before my next show.

I'll just rest.

I didn't sleep for those entire three days.

So then when I just I couldn't sleep.

Well, what did I say?

I can't sleep.

I'm you didn't remember it because it was a good piece of advice,

but I didn't mean it when I said it to you because I'm being genuine.

I've known you for so long.

I've seen your career.

It's been wonderful.

You've been humbled the whole time.

You've been a gracious dude.

You've worked through all sorts of bullshit.

A lot of up and downs from a perspective that America may not know.

So, you know, I've seen you do the gambit.

I've seen you run the gambit from a very low, low level that I saw you at when you first started and you were young.

And I think what's wild is people think, well, this is what you asked for.

But what I meant when I said that to you was because we're a little older, I've seen it before.

And I was like, just let them run you into the ground.

And of course they ran you into the fucking ground.

And I...

your old team or and all that stuff and when you announced all that shit I

thought you got to be careful dude because they'll they'll work you till you

break you're so allowed to say no you're allowed to say no I know that at the

time when you're used to having nothing you're a no no no no no and then you're

getting all yes is of course you don't know how to when they're offering you

you're not wrong paycheck for one show that's more than you've ever been Yeah,

yeah, yeah who in their right mind knows no I get do trust me I told you I get it and I said go get your thing

But also you gotta be you have to watch out for you because you will have an emotional breakdown course Theo's talked about

We've talked to Theo about he called me just the other day

He's had big heavy hits where it's tough sometimes if you're just go go go go go go go your this is not this is

This goes away.

You lose your shit.

The last year and a I've been doing 40 to 50 shows a month.

Oh my god dude.

Yeah, it's been a long time.

You owe the mafia a bunch of money.

What is going on?

What you doing?

I I could handle it.

I really thought I could do it.

I you can't.

I apparently I couldn't.

Yeah.

When I had to take these two weeks off from shows was fucking brutal.

I thought I was going to have to do that, but I was just like, I cannot possibly fucking perform.

And it was because I was on a tour bus for nine months.

Every day was groundhog day, right?

I would perform till two o'clock in the morning, stay awake till five or six, then try to go to bed, couldn't sleep.

So I'd sleep till like 2 p.m., but stay on the bus, which was, wrapped, so basically blacked out until like 4 p.m.

just writing, whatever.

I'd go outside.

I'd see the sunlight for like two minutes a day, walking to the gym and walking back and then I'd do the shows and repeat.

So when I had to come back here and take all these doctor's appointments,

they were like, oh dude, on top of you have like severe insomnia and like really bad anxiety.

I don't know if you've talked to anybody about this before, but it's not even that you have a bad circadian rhythm.

You don't even have one at all.

It's like,

you know, when you have a baby, you have to like teach your baby when it's supposed to go to sleep, like nighttime is.

Right and that's all based on sunlight.

I never knew that I knew sunlight was good for like vitamin D or whatever and good for Like your immune system,

but I had no idea had to do with your sleep clock as much So my body and brain had no idea when it was supposed to go to sleep

Ever so I had to like those two weeks off

I'd like retrain my brain to like be like okay stick to some kind of loose schedule and new meds

Are you staying clean outside of that though?

Do don't you're not a big drinker drug?

You do any of that stuff.

I really drink unless I'm like maybe four times a year, I'll drink.

But stay off of it because that's the one thing that I think gets people,

you're on the road and you think,

well, I'll do this because this will help or I'll pop a pill

or take a drink or smoke or, and that's when it starts a spiral, especially in your case when you're like, Just constant constant constant.

So it's good to away from it.

But also met um Serious note.

I'm gonna put on my serious hat It's about longevity to you know,

of course,

you know,

that's the hard part I've been we've been around for a time,

you know him longer than me How do you sense, you know 40 he's 40.

Yeah, yeah, I well But I've looked 40 since you met I mean I started when I was 23

Oh my god,

and since the 90s all the way to now and it's like and there was a lot of opportunities I didn't get and also admit I was never like the kind of what you got.

You know what I mean?

I never got but What do you mean while you were never yet?

Yeah, you're uh, you're being so fucking rude right now.

It makes me so fucking man.

You were never Talking about right now.

You were never hot.

No shit.

I'm saying no shit.

You didn't get a phone call Oh, dude.

You me so did you ever made me this man since the early days there good Yeah, no fucking you not up.

Oh you fuck you porky God damn this is so hot anyway.

Yeah, you never got these opportunities I've done a lot of great things on my graph, but what I'm saying is that it's just know

that you're always going to work.

I think the thing in our minds is like, if I don't do it now, it's going to disappear.

It's not.

Now, it comes about in different forms.

you might do see oh you might do bigger things right or you might you know i mean

there'll be a of slim years but trust me you will have you'll come back and then back and that's what life is like this.

Like it.

Are you okay?

No.

Fuck.

It's like this, you know?

Yeah.

Okay.

The roller coaster.

Back and forth like this.

The roll.

This feels racist even.

Yeah.

So that's what, you know, that's inside of your grandfather clock.

Ch ch ch ch ch.

I need a drink some water.

Hold on.

Yeah.

You to get your sleep schedule right.

Because it's healthy for you, dude, to get back to square one.

Then you get healthy.

Physically and mentally because I think the mental thing is what you're in the gym all the time But that's not helping this thing.

No, of course just because you're getting in she's staying in shape It's not gonna help your brain and a lot of people don't understand

It's like okay you get to this point.

What is there to be anxious about like you made it, right?

But okay, well how do you keep making it?

It's easy to have like a hot couple of years But then you go okay the anxieties of like okay am I ever gonna have money to like support a family or anything like that

That's that's cool.

That's taken care of but it's like what's how hard this moment is right now I go fuck like what what's the next?

well but who cares i would say this i'd say the one thing i would say is If you're not enjoying it,

no matter what you acquire will never be worth it.

That was no matter what you Doesn't matter what come if it's not fun anymore

And it's just work to for the perspective future of the hope that I'll be settled at some point Mm-hmm.

You're never gonna you're gonna lose your mind and you'll get there and you'll be miserable as fuck You'll have whatever you need and you'll go fuck this sucks.

I don't even like this.

Yeah, they're what there would definitely be times in doing you know 10 to 14 shows a week that I'm like there was nothing that upset me more than whenever I would go

I don't feel like performing.

It's like do you have a theater full of fucking people?

Yeah, you would have killed to just have one of these shows like this ever in your lifetime

And you didn't feel like doing it because it's felt like groundhog day over and over again

So the bet the best part was like having my friends around to remind me of that and make the entire experience as fun as

humanly How many people do you take on the road?

Uh, there's my videographer, my photographer, um, two openers, two people, a same two guys, uh, yeah, host in a feature.

Uh, I keep the same host and then my feature is just kind of in and out.

Yeah, depends.

I just I just Eric Griffin was with me in Atlantic City hosting not featuring.

Let's move him down to host.

Happily.

Yeah, let's move him.

He loves you so much.

I talked about you last night.

We I ran into him last night.

Oh really?

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say Bobby so you know who a guy torias yeah So guy Terry once asked, told me, he goes, you know what I'm happy?

I in my career and he goes, I don't have like the amount of money that some of these other guys have.

But every year, there's certain milestones and markers that I look for.

And it's, am I doing something different than I did last year, right?

Because the whole thing about this business is about surprise and living life experiences.

And Matt, you know, maybe you'll spend a year maybe doing a movie.

You have a, you have some movies coming out, right?

Or you already shot some?

No, we've got like, like, like six in development for that.

That's what I'm saying.

Once those starts,

start those, then you're going to be in a town for a one to have doing that and meeting different actors and doing that creatively.

You're going to do.

Right, so just as long as every you're mixing it up

and not just constantly touring, because then that would be, that's like a sad lie.

You'll burn out.

We don't want you to burn out.

I was pretty good advice.

That was really good advice.

Thank All right, I need to ask this because I know, and I know it's not favorable conversation, but...

I do I am curious you you have become very successful since since I we've seen you on this rise.

Have you spoiled your?

have you done something where you're like I did I bought a thing and I did a

thing yeah can I never could do it before I bought my mama house was the

first thing I did great great at class act and I thought class act I just bought

my first house you bought her house first yeah you're a class what city did

you buy that mine her hers hers she's she's in Georgia outside of Atlanta

book of flight

okay good to know just give us the address yeah yeah oh no and then you you bought

one here in LA no I don't live here anymore Wow,

why this city's dead dude there it is this city's so there's no energy drive down sunset You heard it here first on a weekend night.

There's no traffic.

Why'd you pick Rhode Island?

It wasn't even the top ten places.

I look trust me I just there's three things on my checklist.

I land I want to like get what I was actually fucking paying for and I found this massive place for probably the same prices a

Two-bedroom with no yard two bedroom one bath.

Yeah out here.

Yeah Wanted to get what I was paying for in land needed to have some kind of a comedy scene and Providence has a good comedy connection out there

It's a great club sure Boston's 45 minutes away.

I'm raising comedy scene and also convenient for travel.

Well, I guess that was a third.

And Rhode Island, Providence is like my Burbank airport and Boston's my LAX.

So it really stays the same.

I'm a dude.

It's so beautiful.

I've never been a morning person as we just discussed my sleeping problem.

Every single day I wake up there the seven days I've been there in the past four months.

I've owned Yeah, you don't even live there.

I wake up so happy.

It is so fucking beautiful.

That's wonderful.

Yeah I'm so happy I did that so nothing here.

No apartment here.

No connection to Los Angeles anymore No,

I couldn't do my business managers explained that I looked into even just getting like a condo here or something If I own any kind of property here because

They'll say that this is still a permanent attack and then that's my vacation home somewhere.

So I'll still get Yeah,

so island Did you ever visited before no wow no I just went I was performing at my

would five shows out there or something like that and drop that about an hour away and we just did.

We made us play the parking lot and we can sign we we did Mohegan sunset we didn't even

get the fucking full Sun yeah he can moon oh yeah flocked it was an hour away and we

were all I found on Zillow And I was like, oh, I'll peep this real quick.

We went and checked it out.

And I was like, oh, this is like one show of Mohig and son.

Awesome.

Wow.

Good you.

It awesome, dude.

Wow.

Find momma house first was a class act.

That's a cool thing to do.

When you know when you told her, how did you tell her?

I told her.

I called her.

I was like, hey, I called her like, it was maybe like a week after the tour sold out.

I it's like the first time I knew I was going to have any money at all.

I was like, hey.

And your fucking face, you know, I told you I was silly bitch and obviously I'm very light-hearted.

I like things worked out Finally now that I have some money.

I to like I want to take care of you know You stuff you stuff to work,

but like your bills are taken care of right?

Wow I bought our car the year before when like kind of started to take off a bit.

Oh wait, let's get the car.

Can you get the car?

Go ahead, let's go.

Yeah, yeah.

A Tesla.

No, no, in Georgia?

She would have no idea what to do with the Tesla.

Okay, he bought her an F-350.

You think it's a lifted truck, an F-350 lifted truck with hydraulic, jacked up truck nuts.

Yeah, truck nuts danglin'.

Smoked stack.

Yeah.

Come on Matt, let's go, dude.

What'd you buy her?

She wanted a Hyundai, dude.

Really?

Yeah, number She thought it was a nice car.

I was a are really good Korean cars.

Yeah, very good Delivering of lifts and yeah a spectrum beep a beepa.

Yeah, she didn't ask for anything crazy go to that go to the house She was excited about it.

You know best son ever.

Oh Right, it was the first time I had heard that you have a sister or brother Yeah, I have four sisters.

Are they bi-logged or faffy?

No, three sisters Three stepsisters one half sister one half sister.

Oh, we don't know who's biological was this guy?

I right.

Yeah, you know, I have my bio closes with the half sister Closer than the stepsisters.

Yes.

Yeah, I say so is one of them an evil step sister in an evil step sister Yeah, like fan like the fan fairy tales none more than the others I suppose if your stepsister what

hey, man Down on my life I've been using fentanyl.

Go ahead, yeah, I have a fentanyl.

I'm not shooting it up anymore, you know what I mean?

I dropped four of my eyeballs.

I just dripped over my eyeballs.

Anyway, I need about 20 grand, because I'm like, I'm dying.

I wouldn't say Bobby Lee is single, and he has a lot of llamas.

Hit him up.

You would do that?

I would do that for you.

I don't want it.

I want your sister.

You want all three of them?

No.

Are they hot?

Okay.

Turned right around.

What do you mean?

You were first know then you're

When you asked like you know a's your brother hot and why is that like your sister's hot you have a hot sister Your

and guess what dude.

Yeah, do you want me to hurt you today?

What are you doing you got to go I got I'm sweating oh God, man.

Look those stretch marks from when he gave birth.

Isn't that great?

You don't got anything like that.

How many days of the week are you in the gym, bud?

Five?

Six?

Six or seven?

No.

Listen that, Bob.

How many days of the week have you gone to the gym this year?

How many days have you gone to the gym this year?

I haven't been Jim in 12 years and look at this and who and it this looks good.

This is good.

I don't do I don't do any movement Like I rarely move a little mental movement.

I do but it's like I don't do really anything.

I go upstairs kind of a crunch Thank you.

Thank you I'm yeah, yeah, you I'm not sure I always this high with an eyeliner.

That's all hype, dude.

That's all hype.

Yeah, but you know, I do find in the arena of the opposite sex, even though I look like this.

No, but I say I want you to go to the gym for your health.

I give a fuck about the one.

I really, I'm trying to get my doctor to get me on the Zen pick.

Please don't do Would you really do it?

Yeah, I'm asking Dr.

doctor did please don't do that i have to do it please

but i i was your doctor ken

that that that that that that that that that that was a lot of that it was a

big lot yet it was a close great joke was a good joke but that was a lot i

know i didn't know how to back you yeah yeah oh oh No, I'm gonna get on it.

I'm gonna get on it because I don't do it.

I swear to God.

It can't be good for you Dude, I don't care.

I'll die Let's go to the side effects.

Yeah, let's go.

Oh nausea constipation.

You have those already diarrhea.

You got it dizziness You got it.

I have already looked I have all of it right thyroid cancer.

I don't have that All right, burping.

Yeah, you did that on the show, that's on that.

What's this disfagia?

Disfagia.

Oh, you mean this fagia right here?

Oh, Semphic breath.

What do think best most like?

Dude, that was, dude, that was funny.

Thanks, dog.

Don't do it again.

Don't shut show.

Hypoglycemic, blurred vision.

Yeah.

All right.

Look at this.

One theory suggests the drug could be contributing to gut dysbiosis,

gut imbalance of bacteria in the intestine that can lead a variety of digestive problems and oral health issues such as bad breath.

It's fine.

I'm going to do it for like a couple of months.

Please don't.

I have to do it.

I look like shit and then you know what dude you don't look like shit.

I'll connect you look wonderful I just want you to if you walk every day two miles listen two miles a day.

I Went to the truth Okay, yeah, I was with a girl a couple of months ago.

Mm-hmm, and goes And she saw my naked body, we're in pain.

Someone ate your body.

Oh, the lights on?

Yeah, the on.

The lights around.

They're dimmed.

Yeah, they're dim.

But they're not like these.

And she was looking at it,

not in a disgusting way, but more like, you know, like, you know, when you used to dissect frogs in biology.

You know what I You know what I mean?

Yeah, what is it?

Is that supposed to be out like that?

She goes, there's something wrong with me.

And I go, why?

She goes, because I know who she used to be today.

You know I dated these guys and then this is and I go I looked at it with my doughy eyes and I go

I'm so sorry, and she goes no.

I think you're sexy.

I don't know why Well because you and then as soon as she said that I was like oh a zimp it I

Have to be on it.

No, she likes your or she said you're sexy.

Yeah, but you didn't even fucking he questioned it You can love like a pure bread golden retriever and still still a door like a dog from the

pound You don't look like shit.

No, no Anyway, so much don't korean Elvis.

Oh, oh racist.

No, it's not Yes, it for us I'm still I still can't get over the fact that you moved all the way east.

Yeah, it bumps me out I know we have no allies here anymore

man No, maybe you just you don't have to live here anymore and the entertainment industry You don't have to live here.

Promise me one thing you will see you on January 6th.

You're gonna come back What's January 6th?

Okay, dude.

Well, don't play dumb with us.

Will we go to the Capitol again?

Are you early?

Oh?

The excursion

Why do you think I move

closer The bricks you asked them good break

is to see this now are you going to are you going to break in when who wins

Anybody we're there anywhere Either way doesn't matter.

Yeah, okay.

I like this.

Yeah, you are much closer We could use your house as a hub.

We couldn't have his house.

I love these you got a lot of land Does anybody live with you or you buy yourself on this?

I live with two of my boys and there's another house on my property that I also bought that another

Friend of mine is gonna move into you would never charge any of these rent or anything.

No, of course I do you do Yeah, it's not a lot.

Yeah, I believe like you still have to have responsibility keep a pair of Appearances they won the lottery your friends.

Yeah, I Yeah, but they also earn it, you know what mean like all of them work for me.

Yeah, and they fucking earn that money like It's so great when I can't sleep and I'm up till two o'clock in the morning editing my own shit

Well, I text my my my videographer.

I'm like hey when you wake up if you can see this and he's like dude I'm also up working right now.

I'm like I fucking love that you still are doing work.

You're still cutting clips You're not making up.

Yeah, I to cut them because I just don't trust anybody else to do the exact timing.

I a half second beat can change a joke, right?

So it can just, it can lag on.

I trust anybody else to edit it comedically.

So then I edit it comedically.

And I send it to him and he does like the camera switching into captioning.

It's funny cause we don't do any of that shit.

We have no idea.

No, we just let that do it.

I have no idea how to do it.

I mean,

I in theory could learn or I've learned in the past,

but oh no,

but I had to go to my friend's house And he had to download premiere pro on my laptop

And then I recorded him teaching me for an hour how to do premiere pro and then for like months after I had to watch that video

Anytime I was awesome.

Oh the fact that you like the that you did it though is great I mean that just shows you're still doing

you're doing on your own and like, you're having a Do you have a dog?

No, God, I won't.

I'm much.

I can't.

I know that's a thing.

I'm not to get a little.

I know, but also the guys, they go on tour with you.

Yeah.

You got a couple of guys that live there that don't go on tour with you.

So they can take care of the cat too, because I know you're going to get one dog and two cats.

No.

I feel it.

No.

No more dogs than cats.

No, he's going to get one.

You're not going to like the cats.

I might get a little farm cat.

Yeah.

That could be kind of cute.

You mean an outdoor cat?

Yeah.

I have three cats.

They're the best.

They're all outdoor cats.

How are they inside?

Well, Ming just pisses us all over every furniture that I have.

Yeah, it's awful.

It's awful.

Which one's your favorite?

Gunner.

Gunner's the best.

His name is Gunner?

Yeah, do you know why?

Why?

Well, you don't, your little mind can't understand it.

That's not also rude.

You're for, it's not even like it.

Yeah, you're right.

You're, you're, you're.

Dude, that was so rude.

He's an Arsenal soccer fan.

Yeah.

Oh, what?

Arsenal team Arsenal.

Is that a soccer team?

Yeah.

North London.

No flan-dum.

Big John Tosting.

No flan-dum.

Over here, we wrote that.

Okay, I'm, I'm, I'm, no.

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm.

You know we wrote for fun right now.

Anyway, how come we don't play England, Matt?

I am in September, I put it all in Well, finally, mate.

I'm coming.

What are you playing out to a ruler?

Not yet.

What are you playing in England?

I don't even know, it was bunch of theaters.

We wrote the Royal Wungadunga Palace.

Dude, I want to do Royal Albert Hall more than anybody.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let in.

You'd have to talk to the Queen.

Get a digger up.

They're all digger up.

Is it all right, mate?

If it's all about life.

Praise the royal, I won't know.

That good.

What a talent.

Okay, y whole pride of bangers and marshmallows.

Dude, we should start a sketch group.

Don't you think we should start a sketch group?

No, man.

Okay, I forgot, fuck it.

But I want to catch someone last piece of advice before I...

You know what mean?

More One last one.

Yeah, all right.

Okay, last thing.

Is because you got to be very picky on what projects you do.

Okay.

No, no, no, no, yeah, take it from this guy.

I passed on Borderlands.

I'm way ahead of you That's so good.

I've get it.

They did not they did not offer it.

I did not offer it.

No, what I'm saying is that, you know, like, we're wouldn't Paul Shore, a show was like, he said, yes, the first five things.

Yeah, but Encino Man was a hit.

They're all fucking iconic, dude.

Son-in-law.

These are all hits.

Right in the army now.

You think that's a massive?

I love it.

Okay.

It's actually a great movie.

I poly.

Sorry.

Are you talking about me bra don't yell you yawning are you tired from giving people the wrong address?

What's exhausting fucking up your gig?

The amount of times these guys are fucked up.

We gave him a raise.

I think we just came a raise.

He's fucking up Please go through some personal what he's going through some personal things.

I heard you were gonna send him to Spain Are you gonna get a double mastectomy or no?

I yeah, finally wait what mastectomy?

Yeah, he's got breast cancer Look at those You're lying.

You really?

Yeah, you for real high breast cancer?

Mm-hmm.

Not for the bit like Yes.

He doesn't know how to not do the bit.

That's, you know what, by the way, could for you.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought that was great.

Yeah, it was actually good.

Real.

Yeah.

He doesn't have titty cats on camera.

You are the only guy I know that is of your weight class and size that has small tits.

You have nine nice little tiny B cup tits.

Yeah.

They point.

Uh-uh.

They say good for you.

I it almost.

Yeah.

Would you prefer it in tits?

Honestly?

I would.

Maybe the dick.

Yeah.

Are you having it?

Okay.

So are you eating like a maniac?

Are you doing all this?

You're doing diet bullshit or no?

That's my biggest thing.

I don't eat enough for sure.

I have such a fast mentality.

That's why I work out every day because I don't retain any size.

What do you eat?

Are you eating anything fun or no?

Yeah, dude.

No, I eat fun shit all the time.

You're not eating just like chicken and vegetables every day.

No, I'll do burgers and shit.

You do whatever.

All the time.

Isn't that nice to which be that age?

You can just do that all the time.

Yeah.

I have a cheeseburger.

a and a half.

Even us eyeballs, I can't do anymore.

No.

Yeah, because it's so much sugar.

It's too much.

My left foot fell asleep yesterday.

Yeah.

I don't know.

For like a whole day, my left foot was like a sleep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I gotta cut it out, man.

My sugar to my sweet tooth has gone to the room.

Since I put away booze, man, my sweet tooth.

You don't drink at all?

No, I don't not drink at all.

I go through phases of when I just stop and then I have a couple and then I stop.

I do NA beers once in a while.

I like those.

Non-alcoholic beers.

Yeah, I one.

That's the most alcoholic thing I could imagine drinking.

Well, dude.

To like to drink for the flavor, but the results.

I love it.

It's I love it.

I do like the flavor.

That's gross.

See, D alkalized liquor, terrible, like bourbon, D alkalized, that's there.

But an NABear is pretty fucking close to the same thing.

Two beers taste like pissed.

Well, when you grow up, you'll like it.

Heineken.

I'll let you know eight years.

I you.

Heineken makes a double zero beer.

that I think is, I don't know what's, it tastes, it's so clean and good, it tastes just like that.

And I'm out with friends, I'll have one of those instead of getting cooked, because I just so crazy to do.

I don't know.

What do you drink, Bobby?

Well, when I do cowgirl.

Piss.

Cops of piss.

When I do cowgirl, I have to put a pillow between my back, because my back hurts.

When you're riding somebody?

No, when I'm in it.

No, no, no.

Do you do reverse cowgirl when you're on your body?

No, when she's on me, I to put a pillow on my back, because it hurts my back.

Yeah, we're getting older.

Enjoy it right now, dude.

It's going to break down.

I don't think so.

Would drink?

I like to drink.

Well, I'm in AA.

You that, right?

E, really?

Yeah.

For how long?

Almost three.

What really no two and a half years.

That's almost good, dude.

Thank you, man Of course, and so um, but you know if I was drinking those fireballs.

I really liked fireball.

Yeah a like a cinnamon whiskey?

Yeah, really.

I that.

Those get shit on a lot, but they actually taste kind of good.

I get those right from Hawaii.

They the little bottles.

I used to drink like 15 of them.

All right, that's enough.

What?

I it.

Remember?

Yeah.

We remember.

Yeah, yeah.

Because realized when they were in Hawaii.

Well, they saw me in Mexico, and I got drunk, and they had to follow me around and be my shop or uncle.

They had to send them to rehab.

Yeah.

I go.

After Mexico.

Oh, somebody got somebody got shot at the resort next to us.

You remember that in Cancun?

No fucking way Yeah for a tourist.

Oh, no.

No, they never kill a tourist.

They kill a local.

Oh, it was Cartel 100% no fucking way.

They walked up to the guy who shot him and then they walked out casually I think they took a mint on the way out Yeah,

yeah, it was really like they didn't feel they would never hurt a tourist It would fuck up their business.

That's why I've heard but they tried to shut down the resort Remember this it was a panic and then I was freaking out because I had to put him in rehab

And he was causing me a lot of anguish and I

Trying to find where he was off to and he hiding and he was asking hiding Yeah,

well He was asking other people to buy him booze and then he got in a fight with me because I wouldn't get him alcohol

Yeah, and he locked himself in his room and he got shit on the wall.

He pooped all over the wall No, he didn't know I did your shit on the wall.

Oh, yeah, and that those are like 15 foot.

I mean, it's all the way up It was like the thing.

Yeah, he's an artist I'm not kidding do I open the door to his hotel room.

There was throw up Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, let's move on.

Oh my No,

no, no, no, the the script it was there was to it looked like like it looked like a one a 180 sprinkler head that's like That's what it was

Now I'm glad I put your name.

No, no, I feel great.

I feel free.

Yeah.

Was the was that like the final straw when you decided a lot of final straws in my life,

you 2017 when I was 30 out of finals was that you know over my lifetime.

I've I've relapsed and gone that deep But this time it looked, I feel like it's sticking.

We've been to rehab three times together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We, I put, I put, I put him through rehab.

The yeah, yeah, yeah.

To be taken care of.

To be care Put where he needs to belong.

And because I love him so much.

That's so cool.

The in Tucson was the worst.

That was the worst.

It was a bad rehab.

It was like one of those places where like they, I had to wake up at like six in the morning, wait in this line.

I I'm in like, it was a gown, right?

And then like, it's like that Queens gambit where they give you like a cocktail of pills.

And I would go what's in this and they go drink it or eat it

I would and then I would just be a zombie all day and there was like no counseling or anything

I was just walking around smoking cigarettes just a mental asylum.

Yeah, it was a mental and I was there for two weeks And then one day I just called my agent.

I was like You know You know I mean?

You're You what I mean?

Right.

And got out and I changed facilities.

But was a weird.

Do you guys remember that?

It a weird.

I tell what places.

You can check yourself out of rehab at any time.

That one I couldn't because in the middle of the desert and like I didn't know how.

Allegally, yes.

Correct.

Yeah.

I no money.

They took away my cell phone.

They away everything.

He was deliberately put in a place where you were a little more controlled.

Huh.

But yeah,

well, yeah, I mean it's also I'm smoking stickers with a bunch of like 20 young young kids in the middle of a soccer field And they're just like what are you doing here man?

And just like Aren't you on TV?

It's like crazy.

Yeah Andrew, do you think is there anything you think you're close to addicted to?

Um, uh, work.

That's kind of bad.

No, he has what Howie Mandel has.

He can't stop.

He always has to be doing something and it's not something.

It's a real thing Yeah,

probably sickness for like I look at I'm like a what you're going where what you know I mean like 24 seven it's always doing something.

Yeah, and it's not healthy No, fuck, I probably have that as well.

Dude, when I had to take two weeks off, it felt like taking six months off.

It awful.

I going fucking nuts.

I've gotten better at taking time off.

We vacations.

My wife and I go, we carve out time to do things.

But your work is different than my work.

I mean, you're on tour, you're grinding, you're doing fucking 50 shows a month.

This job that job this job that job.

It's just I'm just spreading myself too thin of course Something you could consider spreading yourself thin, but That hurts That's it.

I'm gonna be honest.

I'm thinking.

is pain.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey be my little Korean Elvis.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Give me Dude if you're a played Memphis Yeah, I was just there maybe a month ago.

We fucking Memphis For you, they hate it.

Where'd you play with played at Elvis as a state at Graceland?

Yeah, yeah, you did not yes We did yes, you can play at Graceland you can play at the stages of life Yeah.

Oh, I'm fucking furious.

I didn't like us.

They didn't like us.

It was like, uh, needed us.

Was it a live podcast?

You know, we did stand up.

It was like, we do a TED talk about death.

Mm hmm.

You know, hang on.

This is what death, you know, I everyone, they were like in a fucking zombie.

Everyone in the audience had just lost somebody.

That's what it felt like.

Like everybody just ate it.

We ate it.

shows we ever done.

And you know what, I should take it back.

We don't hate Memphis.

We hated what happened there.

Yeah.

We got.

Louisville.

What happened in Louisville.

I Louisville as well.

Oh, the fly in the food of Chili's?

Yeah, the fly in the, but the show was weird.

Do you guys have any like stalkers or anything on tour?

We had one guy that was fucking in Dallas.

That I was at the meet and greet and he was like he goes hey, man.

I broke in here.

Yeah.

Yeah, what he goes I broke Asian guy.

Yeah Asian guy.

Yeah.

He was I broke.

I'm sorry.

He goes I broke in here No, of course not.

Yeah.

No, he goes.

He was I broke in here, man I was like, what do you mean?

He goes I didn't I don't even have a ticket.

I don't know VIP or anything I just broke in he's like this is what I do I have a GoPro or something

He recorded himself breaking into his favorite concerts and venues and so we were like cool,

man Security yeah, and then what the fuck yeah, why would you admit that?

Yeah, does he like post him online?

I don't know.

I think he probably does a YouTube show or something about it.

I'm like you gotta find it Yeah, well dude.

I said to him.

I go hey, man As long as you're cool chill.

Yeah, you're not trying to hurt anybody like fine But like me why don't don't tell anybody that yeah, you're gonna get arrested like I'm not gonna arrest you

But they're gonna arrest you so I was like don't Get out of here.

That's fucking terrifying.

It was weird as fuck.

That was the only time.

But him and I though, what my concern was because we hadn't really never toured together before.

Literally.

Literally I'd never done that.

So in my mind, I'm like, what is going to affect our relationship or friendship?

But I don't think it, I think it's strengthened it.

Yeah, share a room.

No, but we're, I think you're doing it wrong.

This was a share, a double tree, two bed, of course.

You've done that with people.

That's when I was doing the beginning of touring,

not like the live nation tour, but when I was first starting to headline on my own, like of last year?

Yeah, because I couldn't afford to get everybody their own room yet.

Right.

But we can.

You Yes.

Something about that.

You know what I mean?

No, we slept on the bus.

We lived on the bus.

He was at a bus.

We get hotel.

We were on the bus.

That's a great hound it's more like a brown hound.

Okay.

Yeah, not so great.

It was brown hound.

It was from Mexico But you put the power dynamics.

Hey, where are we going bro?

Sorry, I give him more of the power What did you do?

I give you more of the power down give it to me.

I Yeah,

I say was there one big room in the back or was it all bunks one big room in the back room You got the back room.

I get the bunk.

Yeah.

Yeah, and how did you how did you decide this?

He did he just call me and said you can have it.

Yeah, because I know see these are the things that break up the beetle These are the things that break up like bands and stuff.

OK, Yoko.

Dude, you know what?

So you know what's worse than that?

The smirk you had before.

Thanks.

I saw Yoko and your brain.

And then when you said it.

Very good, John.

I've never heard as much.

John Lennon right here.

It doesn't hurt like that.

at this, John, right under the charm.

Wow.

What's that doing for you?

My pussy is wet.

My point is, no, let's quit that out.

But point is, I have to give how I go, you know, you can do it.

You take it.

He likes sleeping in the coffins.

Yeah, yeah.

He does.

I told my friends the same thing.

I it's too much space back there.

You guys wouldn't have.

Yeah, they don't like it.

He likes sleeping in the coffins.

I like that he likes that.

He likes it.

I like that he likes that.

Yeah.

Well, no, he really does.

I will say this.

No lie.

This is not.

I've slept in the coffins before and the coffins are nice because it's just a little rock in the back You're like rolling a wrap.

It's it's not a stable.

You got a sprawl out.

Look what happened me Well, that's on Bert's bus.

He fell out of the he fell out of the coffin No,

you fell out of the out of the monk Yeah,

the punk and I hit my head on a ledge and I had to go to the hospital Holy shit, I got nine stitches.

I got a baby and I got off to really no I'm saying I'm by for a man shit.

You all bit dizzy.

What about that time?

I got dizzy from a shit.

Yeah, this guy gets old.

That's the 40 year old should have ever heard Clussy.

I took a shit and I hit my head.

Don't call me a pussy cuz I'll fight you and I'll be to shit out Dude today because he's here, it's a dynamic.

What is it?

I don't know what it is, but it became here.

Like a guy thing?

No, you and I have this thing that we used to have in the pond is back, and think he's doing it.

He's in, yeah, well, it's that you specifically doing, it's just, there's something about it.

Do think you can move here and live here for us and do this with us every week instead of the day?

Yeah, wanna split the profits, like 50, 25.

well I hate to tell you but we're not making that many llamas yeah sad well if

these my we look over none of these mics are even plugged in now I just don't

have the time yeah yeah you'll have a

one one day don't wish that on me with the brain upon my downfall is very funny yeah

yeah we love you to death that was great love man we're so happy for you genuinely

it's well deserved and you've taken everything in stride the love the hate

all the above and all that stuff comes a being as popular as you are and good for you and we're stoked for you, man.

I you're fucking,

you've always been a great dude since I met you that first time I met you,

19 years old or whatever it was when I first met you as a And back then you were like one day.

I'm gonna be a big old shark me and you sound like back then and Man, I'm happy for you.

Dude.

Thank you so much.

I'm happy for you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for doing our podcast really Thanks for having thanks for letting me not be real serious

I mean this is like we've I wanted to do whiskey ginger for like five years.

I got a text back I never I'm kidding.

I never hit about it.

Really never done it before.

No, he's done on it.

No.

Is still on?

Yeah Very good I like it.

It's barely on.

Have you done Tiger Belly?

What?

You never heard of a Belly?

The Stretch Mark?

Yeah.

I didn't know.

It's my podcast.

Yeah, anyway, thank you so much.

All thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend, Matt.

Love ya.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being my God.

Hey, come on, come on, come on, come on.

This is racist.

Hey.

Stop it.

Wow.

Keep going.

I love it.

I love Asian.

Oh my God.

Stop it.

Mm, mm.

Asian Asian.

Yeah, so I did.

And so I'm gonna burn in raw.

You

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