Shane Gillis Live In Austin | Stand Up Comedy - Zweisprachige Untertitel
Everybody, I was thinking about the first time like Congress had to come up with age of consent.
It had to be like the powdered wigs and stuff.
That to be a rough day for the fellas.
Some guy coming up first, like from Rhode Island, 12.
And was like, ew, ew, no, dude.
I don't know why I have to go first on this one.
It's like the hardest one to go first on.
talkin' shit.
I was little too excited, I panicked, I got this haircut, what an insane fuck up.
My hair was fine, it was totally fine, and then two days ago I was like I gotta salvage it.
this.
It's crazy that I thought my hair was...
I was like, if I fix my hair, I'll look good.
Like, that was the final piece of the puzzle for me.
There's a Dominican barbershop by my house in New York.
I think I'm the first white guy that's ever been in there.
I was basically Christopher Columbus of this barbershop.
And they fucked me up, dude.
Don't get, if you're white, don't get a Dominican haircut.
You end up just looking more racist.
It was nice, though.
He trying to reassure me they'll help.
I'm like, I'm saying your head is good, I'm like, oh, thank whatever, fuck this haircut, how are you guys?
Look, it's good, I'm happy, it's nice, everybody's back inside, all that shit.
I don't know, I had a good, I liked to go, I had a nice time.
I live in New York, so I left.
I back to my parents' house because I have white privilege.
Some people didn't get to leave the city.
I did because of my privilege, and I used it.
You got to use it.
You know what I mean?
Doesn't feel more disrespectful to waste it?
You know what?
Then we're all just being racist for nothing.
But no, it's good.
I went home.
My parents haven't lived with them and...
Over ten years, they got old.
They're old as fucking milk though.
I'm back on milk.
I'm fucking crushing milk lately.
I got fucking milk fat this year.
It's a time in life to have a milk renaissance.
It's 33.
But it was nice.
I my favorite part of the year is was I got to watch my dad watch the news.
There's a rough year for my dad and the news.
He's a Fox News guy.
It's fine.
Also I see you guys, most of you have Fox News dads.
you deny your fathers.
That's a good dad.
I don't watch Fox, but that's a good Fox News mom.
That's bad.
You don't want a Fox News mom.
That's a bad mom.
She smokes in the house.
But a Fox News dad, that's a good fucking dad.
Can you imagine if you had a fucking MSNBC dad?
There's some guy every night at dinner like we need to start focusing on renewable energy.
It's like, dude, I don't know, dad was gay, talking to me solar panels, like a fucking lady.
So you might add her straight as hell, dude, we hate the environment.
That's how straight we are.
All we talk about is eating pussy and fracking.
We hate nature.
We go fishing.
We even eat fish, dude.
We catch them and fucking...
No, he's good.
He likes why he watches Fox He watches it every night like every Fox News dad my dad watches Fox every night until he can't
That's how long they watch they watch every night until they get so angry.
They have to go to bed My daughter watch for like two hours and then out of nowhere.
We'll just stand up and be like fucking mr.
Potato trance.
I'm going to bed It's what's going to hell He's all about it dude,
he loves it like every Fox News dad my dad watches Fox with one goal He's just trying to get one fact
It's all he's doing.
He's sitting there,
he's trying to retain one piece of information that he can then relay to whoever's unlucky enough to enter the living room while he's watching.
And you'd think it'd be easy to get one fact,
but every once in a there's like a commercial for like a commemorative 9-11 gold coin.
They're hard drives.
All What was I watching?
I got to get one of those, get to get my hands on all those patriotic coins.
My dad drinks, too, so he can never get a fact, ever.
You'll come in the living room and he's hammered watching the news every night,
which is the wildest way to take in world politics,
like just hammered in a recliner like whoa, it's like footage of rocket attacks in Israel.
He's like whoa the are they doing over there
What's these guys problem
But he can never get a fact like he tries he tries
He uses Fox News as like a PowerPoint for what he's trying to say.
Like everyone will be eating dinner and like Hannity will be saying something.
He's see, that's what I meant.
Look at that.
That's me talking.
I can't say it that good.
If get a fact, you walk in the living room, he's been watching the news for three hours.
You'll be like, all what's going on in the world?
He's like, You want to know?
I'll tell you, fucking Nancy Pelosi's a bitch.
It's like, all right, settle down, dude.
It's like that was the news last, that's the news every night for my dad.
But just like breaking, did you know Nancy Pelosi's a bitch?
I like, yeah, yeah, all right, a feeling.
It's everything they say he agrees with.
I realize like Fox News is basically black church for old white dudes, you know what I mean?
Like everything they say,
my dad just sits there like, yes, preach Every once in a it gets hit with the Holy Spirit while he's washing it.
The Holy Ghost visits him, he's just like, oh, oh, build wall.
Can't I get a wall?
He needs a wall.
My dad needs a wall.
For a guy who lives in central Pennsylvania, securing the southern border, it's like an oddly important.
I don't know what he's worried about,
like he's going to lose his job,
you know,
like some guy from Honduras is going to walk the whole way to Pennsylvania,
just slam a resume down on my dad's boss's desk, so you're here for the same thing.
sales position?
I would say, yeah.
Stay quiet on the right hand.
Also, I was just at the border of Arizona and Mexico.
There's a wall.
I had no idea.
I got there.
down there I saw the wall I was like holy shit he built it they were like no it's
been here it's been here for like a century you got tell my dad
fucking him up he gets fired up every night it's a crazy way to go to bed every night
just with his apnea mask on fucking Every night, you fucking parodram.
Dude, you walk into the living room in my house right now, my dad, he'd hit you guys.
So all the borders have messed right tonight, just crazy.
But I make fun of them for it, and then I do the exact same thing just with my phone.
Every night, I just look at my phone until I can.
I'm fuck, Mrs.
Potato has a phone.
That's it, every day.
I just get on read opinions from people I know are dumb.
Like in person, I know they're dumb.
I've talked to them, and I'm still reading their Twitter.
their political opinions.
My Twitter's crazy.
It's half where I'm from, which the middle of Pennsylvania, so it's white trash.
And half, now I live in New York.
So it's crazy.
Like, you know, I still have uncles.
They've all just got Twitter.
They're fired up.
They're having fun.
Do they all have like zero followers?
They tweet into the void.
They love it, dude.
They it for the love of the game.
Like, Panera was good today.
Just onto a server that'll outlast civilization.
And then now all my new friends are...
literally communists from Brooklyn.
So it's wild, dude.
My socials are I'll get on Twitter
and the first tweet I see will be someone from back home that's just like fucking Colin Kaepernick better stand up.
Like this tweet, if you support the police, share it if you're not gay.
Yeah, I'm fucking, I'm just sharing, I'm just sharing that.
And then the next post is just one of my new woke white friends that's just like, I'm not racist, that's it.
Every day for the last year, just a different white person popping up, like at me, look at this article.
article I shared to my Instagram story, I'm not racist, right?
It's like, all right, you sure?
So I don't know if you know this, like racist isn't like a yes or no thing.
You know what I mean?
It's not like you have it or you don't have it.
Like being racist is more, it's like being hungry.
You know?
It's like, yeah, you're not right now.
You know?
It's like, yeah, you're not hungry right now, but a cheeseburger could cut you off on the highway.
And you get hungry.
You're hungry all day.
The cheeseburger's Jewish in that joke.
No, no, I'm I'm good.
Whatever type of cheeseburger you thought it was in your racist heart.
Anyway, that's it, I just get online, read opinions from people.
The news like other news is kind of like this is the most divided this country has ever been
Say what they're like the red states and the blue states Like why cuz we tweet at each other You know we had a war,
right?
You know this country had a civil war?
That was pretty divided.
Like at least nowadays we're communicating with each other.
Back then, those guys never, they got the news like once a month.
Some guy would come by on a horse and they were like, who's talking shit?
Like I was like, the south is talking shit.
Fuck that.
I like that.
Give me my gun.
I'm going to go down there.
I'm going to walk down there for a month.
Shoot the first fucking guy I see down there.
That's how much.
The Civil War was basically just the north just shooting racism out of the south.
That's what happened.
The was like south fucking chill.
And the south was like, no.
So the bunch of guys had to walk down there and shoot them a lot.
They were like, all we'll let them go.
We're not going to be nice to them for a while.
Until we find out they're good at football and then roll tight.
That way we're going to do it.
I don't like Alabama football,
I just watch this documentary on Alabama football, it's great, it's about, well, I know if you should say it's but it's about Alabama football.
about when they desegregated their football team.
So up until this point, Alabama football was just wide.
All right.
And everybody down there was pumped on that.
They would pack the stadium.
Everyone would be like, look at all those wides.
Run around, catching it.
Hey, look, I'm not knocking on
too hard because I still have a little bit of that in me you know like if a white
guy catches the ball on Sunday I'm like oh shit go go go go go they got him they
got him the tough run a smart run that's up run there But no, they took it too far.
And so the documentary focuses on that, it focuses on Bear Bryant, Bear Bryant, legendary head coach.
He was the head coach that brought the first black players onto the team.
So the whole documentary is like celebrating Bear Bryant.
They're like, fucking way to go, Bear.
You did it.
What a hero.
And then you find out it was 1971.
Yeah, yeah, a late for high fives on this one, fellas.
Holy shit, 71.
Like we had been to the moon.
There were literally people on the moon before Alabama had black eyes in their secondary.
Does anyone understand?
There were white corners.
White cornerbacks.
You understand how preposterous that is?
Some of you are too young to have ever even seen a white corner.
They're extinct, they don't exist.
there's two left, it's a San Diego zoo.
They reproduce.
You'll never see a white corner.
But that's what happened.
It like, the reason they desegregated the team, that's what the documentary focuses on, which is great, because wasn't like, oh, hey, it's 19.
1971 maybe we should Get with the times what happened was Alabama scheduled USC Southern Cal Alabama was confident.
They're like our white boys are We'll take on anybody and then USC came down to Alabama with a bunch of black dudes from LA
Just beat the fuck out of Alabama
And then after the game bear Bryant gave like a speech and he was like hey y
'all That's all it took Everybody down there was like yeah,
we get it It'll be less racist It means we can win What that's what it is Like as big as racism is in America,
football.
That's true.
Look, there's a Disney movie, remember the Titans, dedicated to what I just told you.
The whole point of that, dude, that was one.
high school football season.
Remember the Titans was like, it was eight weeks.
You know,
that whole town went from like centuries of like,
don't let them in our school to just like, oh shit, the high school team's four and oh.
Those are my brothers.
All right, I'll get off the topic.
The point, look, the point I'm trying to make, the point I'm trying to make is if you want to get rights.
in America.
You just got put together a good football team.
You know what I mean?
If the transgender's got together and put together just a fucking hard nose,
run it down your throat ball club,
if the transgender's just three yards of the cloud of dust, if the trans community could just somehow upset.
Everybody down there tomorrow would be like, those are some tough bitches, actually.
All right.
All right, we got out of that.
There's some rough patches in there, that's all right.
Oh, this won't go great either, uhh.
You know how like every show and movie now, it's like a remake.
of something.
They just remake an old thing and just make it like more progressive and just put it out.
Like they remade, they remade Ocean's 11 like a heist movie with like all gorgeous women.
That movie should have been 10 minutes long.
They literally should have got to the casino and just blown the security guards.
Y'all, here's the keys to safe.
Take everything.
I love you.
You that's it.
That's all they make.
They either make that or they make They make slavery movies every year.
Those are for no one.
I have black friends.
I was like, dude, you guys like these?
They're like, no, we thought these were for you.
It's like, no.
We all hate those.
Stop making them.
It's uncomfortable.
Civil rights movies are good, though.
I Judas in the Black Messiah.
I sick.
Remember the Titans is great.
Hidden was the movie about the black ladies at NASA.
Or my dad likes to call it, Medea goes to the moon.
Look, that was him that said that.
He said that.
As soon as he said it, I'm what you fucking say?
You don't talk like that.
So every movie just remade is more progressive.
I think it'd be funny if the started remaking.
You know what mean, if they just start like conservatives, like there's a new Scooby-Doo coming out.
And it'd be funny if the right remade it.
It's just like Scooby and the gang going around, ripping the wigs off of transgender people.
It's like, that's not a woman.
Some guy would have got away with it.
Where is it?
We solved the case of the Starbucks ghoul.
Has enough time passed that we can, can we admit that Trump was funny?
Can we finally admit that he was funny?
Well, hold I don't like the tone of that.
That's not what I'm going for here.
The great leader.
He was funny.
Now whether or not that's a great quality for the commander chief That's definitely up for debate, but he was funny.
I saw it And I lived in New York so the whole time he was in office
I would be like you know someone would happen I'd show my friends a big look at that
what it's funny like there's nothing funny about Donald I don't know.
During Hurricane Dorian, he was like, maybe we should nuke it.
That was a real suggestion from the president.
The president said that.
The president of the States.
He like, hey, we got a big storm coming.
You want me to blow it up?
I was like, no.
What fuck are you talking about?
I don't know.
I around, dude.
That's what I do.
I don't know.
Now that he's gone.
Like, I'll never watch a debate ever again.
If you imagine, like, just a regular debate now, after we win it, like, we witnessed the go.
Undefeated in debates.
And he never said a fact.
You know how impressive that is?
It was he argued like a fifth grader, it unstoppable.
People would try to hit him with statistics and facts, he would just go wrong.
He was like, holy fuck dude, how was no one prepared for this?
Go back and watch those debates.
You forget how good, how it looks.
trick that shit was don't tell your friends in Austin they'll be mad just get a
six pack toss on a Trump highlight video on YouTube good night dude why I went
back I watch his first debate that's like my favorite one at the time Trump was pulling it like less than 1%
like he was no one liked him if you guys like him Now you didn't back then and I know that because my dad I watched my dad my dad at the time
He would like anytime Trump even came on TV.
My dad was like good.
Just fucking joker Get him off the fucking screen
And then now my dad's like you're fucking guys can't go to the Capitol Guys can't have fun anymore.
And it was come to the debates.
That's what did it.
That's how we got Trump.
These debates.
And first one is the best one.
So it's a Republican primary.
Everyone's up on stage.
And all still doing their political shit.
So like the first couple guys that talk are like, I'm from Kentucky, and I love education.
And the crowd's like, Nice.
We didn't know what was coming.
And next guy is like, I'm from Georgia and I love religion.
The crowd is like, pretty good.
This is a good one.
It's a heated debate.
And then it finally got to Trump's turn to talk and he was just like,
Rand Paul is ugly and the whole crowd was like, ohhh!
Whoa, we didn't know you could do that in this.
You can just do that as your thing.
And Rand Paul was like, all everybody settle down.
We're trying to have a debate here.
And whole crowd was like, shut fuck up, Rand Paul.
Ugly bitch.
And we just kept throwing dorks up on stage to make them debate Trump
It was not fair it was mean for us to have done that to people these guys were in politics their whole lives
They just had to debate a fucking maniac up there
Who didn't give a fuck dude
And I hate it
It's fun to cheer for in the debates
It was fun to cheer for him in the debates because he was going up against guys that have been in politics for like 40 years,
and then he showed up to the event like fuck it, what are we talking about?
He had no clue.
Every week he had no fucking idea.
There's one debate, there's one debate he's like in the middle of it going back and forth about the economy with Ted Cruz.
talking about the economy in the middle of it.
He's just like, Ted's wife ugly as a dog.
Holy shit, dude.
And Ted was like, I'm from Texas.
You don't talk about a man's family like that.
You've got a dog wife, Ted.
Yeah, and Ted Cruz was on TV like I support Donald J.
It's like you pussy.
I will say this,
the one thing that talked about Trump losing was,
for me,
was because I just figured out kind of how to do his voice,
because that's kind of a bummer that I just,
it's not hard to do Trump,
it's very, all you have to do Just do that, do that a second off from where it should be in the sentence.
And then you don't have sound like them, all you have to do is get It's very easy.
All you have to do is like describe something and then say you described it that way.
That's it.
It's every time like, what a big room this is.
I walked in here.
I said, wow.
What a big room.
That's it.
Every time.
Austin, a of homeless.
I walked in here and I said, wow, that's a lot of homeless.
You got it, you got it, you you got it, what are guys doing about it?
Whatever you guys are doing is not working.
So, just switch, I don't know what to do either.
But do something.
A lot of tents.
It's been making me laugh thinking about Trump, like, not understanding why people are homeless.
I walked out, I said, why are you living in tents?
I never, these guys.
But I will say this about Trump,
I don't want you guys to get, I don't want to turn this into a rally, I want you to.
I will say and freak out, just listen.
I think it's fair to say that of all the presidents we've had,
I think it's fair to say that Trump would have been the funniest one to see get shot.
You know, the Patriots got fired up all that, dude.
I was having fun at this show.
say it would be funny.
I funniest.
It's a huge difference.
Technically there's a funniest of everything.
It is.
It make it funny, but there is, like, think of the worst thing you can think of.
There's a funniest one.
I'll go for it.
Something I want to know.
School shooting.
None of those are funny.
Zero funny.
But there was one where like the horse girl in the class could sense something was coming.
You know what I mean?
And like, what's wrong?
And was like, pfft.
But back to what I was saying about, what I said was true, if you had to rank them from least funny to funniest assassination.
Easy number one, really.
He'd be talking shit like when it happened.
He'd be doing it like a rally.
He'd be like, my opponent's gay.
I walked in, I said, well this guy's gay.
The shooter would be coming out of you like, sit down.
You okay?
You get hit.
He definitely make a funny noise into them like he'd get hit like, ehh, he'd fall.
She'd fall funny.
I did write that joke before Biden could be added to the rankings.
I don't think he would be the funniest,
but the only reason Biden might be the funniest Is it because I think Biden's the first president you could punch assassinate?
You know, I mean just walk right through the metal text me mr.
President It's a body shot I dad that joke.
My dad said, can't you talk about killing presents?
What about Biden?
My dad's he's a good good guy he's an alcoholic but he's good he's like a good he's a good alcoholic
he's not hurting anybody but every once in a always an excuse
while he's drinking that's what's funny about it like he can never just get
hammered at me like yeah I got fucked up like it's always like you'll see him on
like a Monday you'll be like damn it's Monday you're getting fucked up he's like it's fucking Monday night football a couple drinks, geez.
You'll see him on like a Tuesday, he'll be like, damn, it's Tuesday, you're getting fucked up, he's like, it's fucking, there's no football.
What the hell?
And my sister does heroin and that one we're like, you do need to, you know, you need to stop doing that.
Which sucks for her, because if she played guitar, everybody would be like, ah, yeah.
But instead, she's a hairdresser, so.
That's how it's cool.
Relax.
It's my family.
It's my family.
Don't worry about it.
Actually, based on this crowd, I'm sure it's actually a of your guys' families.
And that's all right.
We're allowed to talk about it.
My sister, so she was doing heroin, we had to have an intervention for her.
She lived down Pittsburgh.
We live in the middle of Pennsylvania, so we had to trick her.
to come home.
You got to trick them.
I don't know if know these guys.
They're not just fucking stopping by.
They're very busy.
They're the busiest people.
They get a bad rap for being lazy because they take a lot of naps.
But if they're awake, they're fucking very busy.
They're scurrying around doing quests.
It's what they do.
If you do heroin long enough, you run out of money, you got to start doing quests.
You know?
It's like a fucked up game of Zelda.
Every You just wake up to a new quest.
It's you need to gather coppers.
It'll find a scrapyard.
It sounds nice, I wish I got quests, but eventually the quests get pretty dark.
Scrapyard, that's like level one.
Towards the end, the quests, you need to get titty fucked behind the home depot.
That's what it's time for it to change.
So we had to come up with a plan to trick her, to come home for the intervention.
The we came up with was we told her that we had won tickets to go to Six Flags.
And it worked.
She called back.
She's like, all right, I'll be there.
She got on the first bus.
It's like a seven-hour bus ride.
There's nothing to them,
dude No,
if you take heroin every bus is a bullet train It's a five-minute ride tops Anyway,
so the plan was Pick my sister up for the bus stop not take her to six flags
Take it take her to a hotel where we're gonna have an
intervention I didn't want to start the intervention with like a lack of trust.
So I took her to six flags The day of her intervention the morning that day she and I went six flags together.
And I thought that was a nice gesture, but turns out intervention is supposed to be rock bottom.
You know what I mean?
Like intervention is supposed to be the worst day of life.
Not like you're tired from easily the best day.
Humanly, I mean you took heroin and road rollercoaster.
It was impossible.
We sat her down and we like, you better change your life.
She like, I'm going back tomorrow.
We no.
And I was with her.
She was fucked up.
If you know anyone from Pittsburgh, you what she was wearing.
She was wearing a Steelers jersey and pajama pants.
She does it all for finest Heinz Ward for the occasion.
So we get in there.
There's a water park there.
We know.
They added that.
We haven't been there since we were kids.
We in there.
There's one of those water slides.
It's just like a fucking straight drop.
Like no sides on it.
No raft.
Just buy yourself.
She looks at it.
She's like I want to go up on that one I was like, yeah, all right.
Yeah, fuck it, you know, I knew she was going to rehab like that night So I was like, yeah, you're gonna get this one in you're gonna
You're about to have a rough couple months here.
This is gonna be also I figured they would stop her She was wearing a Steelers jersey and pajama
pants trying to get on a waterslide.
All they did was make her take her fucking crocs off.
They're yellow as crocs.
So she's climbing up this ladder, she gets to the top of this fucking giant waterslide.
And you know how like when it's your turn next on a water ride,
you got to like lay there in that water and like wait to go.
She, she not, it off.
She took a nap up at the top like a Dracula laying in front of some high school lifeguard that's like,
uh, man, it's your turn.
Uh, he just sent her down there to sleep.
flying down this thing dude.
There's a ramp at the end.
We all got to watch her wake up in air.
She did the whole fucking...
You know, I don't know how that wasn't fucking rock bottom.
It's like you woke up in air.
Anyway, don't be sad about it.
She did go to rehab.
And that's good.
Yeah, she's done.
She stopped using it.
She's sober.
She's all good.
She's two years clean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good She did she did get cancer though, so
And COVID
Cancer and COVID
So I'll tell you what this was cool I got I was with her I let she was at home
She went back to my parents because when you have cancer and COVID you got to go home Yeah, you to go home.
You can't keep hanging out But no,
I was with her it was crazy she'd this year she beat heroin cancer and COVID it was why it was like living with fucking Rocky It was crazy dude every week my whole family was
like give up.
You're never gonna win this.
She's like Just kept winning When she got COVID, I like, all right, you're definitely dead.
She's like, yo, go, go, I hear no bell.
It's wailed on it, dude.
Yeah, she's got a hell of a chin.
Hell of a chin on my head.
sister and that's what what better quality could you ask for in a human anyway damn
dudes fuck that music across the street dude that fucking bothers me I'm an old man Turn it down.
Turn it down.
What that rap?
Turn off.
I'm gonna talk about my sister doing heroin over here.
This has been making me laugh.
I've thinking about like the first time like Jesus Christ.
I do comedy a and every once in a while you can hear music from another room and it's
like damn dude music's so much better than comedy.
Every time I hear music I'm like fuck dude that shit crushes what I do.
Some fucking idiot dressed like Cam Newton press and play.
It's so much better than this.
like you guys want to hear about my problems this guy's like take Molly
finger someone I'm gonna press play you guys do you fuck they're having so much
fun over there get out of here you motherfucker go dance I knew you wanted to dance, like I wanted to dance all night.
I like my family, it's a good family.
I had to go to my nieces.
7th and 8th grade girls, volleyball match recently.
No kidding, I'm kidding, dude, shut up.
Just relax.
I don't want to fuck kids.
But if you ever want to get out of something, that's all you have to do.
Like your friend, like, do you to come to our son's T-ball game?
Be what grade are the kids in?
And then no matter what they say, go, oh.
Fourth?
Yeah.
No, I went to this fucking kids volleyball match.
Can we knock it off with volleyball shorts on little kids?
It's weird.
It's gross, dude, just get them gym shorts.
That's all No,
dude, it's gross cuz then you know, it's just me and the other uncles I'm in the bleachers kind of make an eye contact with each other
Bro, are you seeing this?
It's such a funny way to just destroy a show, it's just right at the very end be like, aren't kids hot?
You know, give it up for Trump, aren't kids hot?
No, I truly am serious about the gym shorts though.
That's weird.
And so I got home from this fucking volleyball match.
My roommate, his girlfriend played college volleyball, so I'm very excited to like shit on volleyball whenever I can.
So I get in there and I was like, you know, volleyball is fucking, that's a weird culture.
Get them fucking shorts, get them gym shorts, the shorts they're wearing is gross.
And she was like, no, we need those shorts.
for speed, on the court.
And was like, I know that's not true, I watched the NBA.
None of you are moving as fast as like a ref.
And those guys are wearing like slacks, dress shoes for some reason.
She was like, no, we need those shorts.
The tight shorts, they're essential.
She compared them to like a helmet in football.
I was like, I know they're not essential because I googled the the Special Olympics Volleyball team.
All of a sudden those shorts weren't so essential for them.
What's that about?
How baggy do you think they're?
They looked like the fucking Anne-One mixtape out there.
Offensively baggy is how I would describe all of their tires.
Bro, adults, we all agree that Special Olympics is a good.
It's a good program,
I just, it's great, I just feel like the guy who came up with it had to be like a real risk taker.
You know what I mean?
That's a wild thing to suggest for the first time.
Just some guy in a board meeting like, I got an idea.
We should be racing these motherfuckers.
I like, what did you say?
I like fucking, I'd count over and said that the fastest ones.
So we settle it, you know.
I'm not making fun of the Olympians.
The concept is wild.
It's a wild,
like if you're a best friend invented the Special Olympics and told you about it first, you'd be like, don't ever tell anybody that.
Who the fuck are we gonna tell that to?
What are you doing?
Po-vault?
I actually, personally, I actually volunteered and coached with the Special Olympics for a little while.
So, you know, what did you guys do?
No, don't clap, please.
I did it for those kids.
No, okay, I'll get it.
No.
I look like this, so.
Me coaching this Special Olympics, I was like a fucking double agent.
No one knew who side I was on, dude.
Player of chaperone, no one knew.
I'll be standing there coaching, holding a clipboard with five dudes that looked exactly like me.
I don't see the coaches from the other team looking over like, I think they go, I think they're fucking letting one of them coach.
Yeah, no, I did coach.
This special looks for a while and it's fun.
That's another thing you're allowed to talk about.
It's happy.
Everyone there's sportsmanship.
It is funny Don't let anyone tell you it's not funny dude.
I was there Everyone there's laughing.
It's fun.
I coach basketball kids would catch the ball.
Just fucking Launch it into the bleachers Team ruled everybody every dude on my team was there.
They were the funniest they fucking they were bros They're bros dude.
My whole team loved two things.
They loved tits.
They do.
I don't know if you know these guys dude.
They fucking love the ladies.
They love the ladies and they love John Cena.
That's it.
That was the news.
Every day.
We'd be in the huddle.
They'd be like a lot of ladies here tonight.
I like, ooh.
They'd be like, what do you think John Cena's up to?
Oh, you're going to have to get way worse before you meet him.
John Cena's like the angel of death for those guys.
I don't...
I told my guys, I was like, you see him coming, you get the fuck out of there, he's taking souls with him.
Every year, who would sponsor our one basketball tournament.
All right,
so every year Hooters would bring like three or four waitresses and they would present like a big cardboard check donation to the Special Olympics.
As soon as the girls entered the gym the game changed
Entirely dude it went from like hugs and sportsmanship to just I do it's got competitive like very competitive
Fucking ripping down rebounds
It's hitting
layups And then at the end of the game there'd be a hug line
You know
between the waitresses and the players and yeah that went about exactly exactly how
you would imagine that one we'd break out the fucking jaws of life to my boys
my boys are ragged on those young sluts They were totally in the right.
The were hot.
The Like every year, I would sneak into the hug line myself.
All right, I think I'm going to get out of here, guys.
Thank you guys very much.
It a lot of fun.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
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